Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I feel your pain, sistah!

I cant believe that I am blogging right now when I have a to do list that is ever growing here at work. But since I'm not taking a lunch break today I feel a little justified to take 20 minutes out and share a little something.


I received a message from a good friend today. She's heading back to maternity leave and was asking for some solid-help-me-please advice. And oh… I can't even try to recount the exact same feeling. I can't even try because, well, it can still bring me to a tearful hard cry. Hard. Sobbing. Still- 9 months after I've had my little one, and 7 months after I myself experienced going back to work from maternity leave.


When she sent the message, I wanted to give her simple 3 step system to overcoming the separation anxiety that you have. But there isn't one. I vividly remember going into the office 1 week before I was to return to work to meet with the pastor… I smiled. I was kind. But he eventually looked at me in mid conversation and said "so how are you doing?"… and that was it. I was a goner. I ended up sitting in his office in my own humility sobbing, feeling a little silly at the same time. "It's not like I am giving up my baby, suck it up!" I kept whispering to myself. But talking to Megan- I know that I wasn't insane. Nor is she right now.


So in any case, she sent me the message- I could easily recall the anxiety, overwhelming sadness of leaving my son. As I was thinking about this- I happened to start looking through my blog. See, there are probably about 10 half finished entries sitting in the drafts box within my blog. Sometimes they look as though they are finished but for whatever reason they don't feel finished. So I found myself looking through my old drafts and was compelled to post the draft that I had started right before going back to work.



(wrote on April 9th 2010)

It's almost laughable that I had at one point considered heading back to work early. I honestly did. I figured I'd take a good 6 weeks and then be fine with heading back to work. I remember training the Maternity Leave replacement and telling her 6-8 weeks maximum. And here I sit- almost 9 weeks into a maternity leave and dreading next week. Dreading would be an understatement. Utter dreading. What's a stronger word? I can't even think. I'm crying right now. As I type.



It's not that I don't enjoy working. I enjoy it. I enjoy working with the three pastors that I work with. But at the risk of sounding archaic, I honestly feel that it's not natural mentally for a woman to want to leave her child for someone else to watch to work. I am jealous. I am SO jealous of other stay at home moms, and I'M even jealous of the few people who we have set up to watch MY baby.


But there's a reason that I'm taking time out to write this, and it isn't because I want to rant. I need to see that God is here. And I'm blessed. I need to see it. I know it, I can say it. But it's hard to see the blessing when you have this huge thing weighing on you mentally.


I am blessed because God has always ALWAYS provided. When Justin was laid off of work and we were living off a secretary's income, he provided. God has provided me with a job in the midst of the economy downfall and turmoil.


We are blessed to have a beautiful healthly baby boy.. Beautiful. Even when there was a point that we thought that we wouldn't have our own children.- God provided Avery.


We are blessed to live close enough to Justin's mother, who has given up her own time at work to offer herself to watch Avery. We are blessed.


We are blessed to have a house that stays warm and food.


God has always provided. Even in the dark valley moments of my own emotions. That is one thing that I can find hope in. God is with us. With Avery. I have to take myself out of the equation and give this over to Him. Because God knows that I can't can't can't do this.


Today I'm taking some extra time to hold my baby. To kiss him an extra thousand times. To inhale the smell of his hair, and to play with his little toes.


I hope I can still do this after I start work… I hope..



I will still do this. I will. I will.


Pray for me.







Monday, November 08, 2010

Life over the past few weeks

Well, it's monday. I know that I have been slacking in my blog lately. I actually really desire to be one of the cool every day bloggers. But It is just impossible. I love blogging. It's nice to take a few moments out of my day and reflect. It's also nice to take a few moments a read someone else's reflections.. I just wish I could do it more fequently! Being a full time momma, that now has a computer that is crashed at home really shows it's obstacles. I am updating my blog via lunch break right now... (BTW...Where can I take a computer to get serviced? I don't want to buy a new one!) *sigh*

Anyway- the last few weeks have been non-stop. I can't believe that October is over. I have some amazingly cute pictures of Avery's billy goat outfit, but I will have to get them on here as soon as I can figure out our stinkin computer. But we had a great time on Halloween. We even had a costume halloween party. I actually had never went to one, so Justin and I thought, what the heck, let's do it! One big shocker for us was when we went shopping for halloween costumes. A- ALL of the lady costumes were super hoochie. I mean, it's october people! You'd think people would want MORE material.. And B- All of the halloween costumes were SUPER expensive- as in over 40 bucks.. There was no way in hatis Justin and I were going to drop at least 80 bucks on a costume even if it was our party... So as were walking out of the store, we past a rack of masks that were 5 dollars... so with that- THIS was our costume. (i stole this picture from a friend's facebook)

haha.. Talk about ghetto. I ended up finding a cheap raggedy clothe, and justin found a vampir-ish cape....lol.. so we were "twin ghouls".

But it ended up being a really fun night with good friends.

Then- on November 1st, my little sister, Alysia had a little girl! Her name is Addisyn Lynn. Here is anoother photo stole from facebook

I went down to portsmouth to visit family and meet Addi for the first time. We went to my dear sweet 93 year old grandma's house and had some good ol' salmon patties, and fried potatoes, with some fresh corn. It was a good time, but like all good things, it came to an end too soon.

And then yesterday, Nov. 7th, we went to church and took part in Avery's baby dedication. It was a very sweet special day for everyone. Here a few pictures from the dedication. My mom took pics, but alot turned out blurry, so I am kinda hoping to get a copy of the photographer from our church's pics... So maybe hopefully more pics will come.

By the way- notice this last picture with Ave raising his hand. He was cracking us all up- he kept waving to everyone when the Pastor would turn his back toward us and talk to the congregation. When Pastor D would turn around toward us Aveman put his hand down like nothing was going on... lol.. he is such a cute little ornery thing!


Monday, October 25, 2010

Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more

Christmas 1992 was memorable for me. It was the year that when mom and dad told us to make our "wish list" that I couldn't find that one i-have-to-have-that-gift-please-please-please gift. I remember going through the Macy's toy catalog that we were sent and thumbing through each page with ease and care in hopes that something would scream at me. But it didn't.

 So I started my list. I wrote a random troll down (yes, I collected trolls), a couple of games, and a mickey mouse watch.. I gave it to mom to "deliver" to Santa.. and that was it. Looking back, I'm not sure what time of the year it was, but I am guessing it was sometime early December. after giving mom that gift list, I forgot all about it.

UNTIL...Several weeks later as Christmas was approaching (literally 2 days away) I happen to be at my grandma's going through the mail on the table and then I saw it, it was an add for the newest Cabbage Patch Kid. I had that moment of "I need it I need it I need it!"And that was it. My heart was committed to this gift.  That evening I was so excited to deliver the news to mom that I had finally found that one gift that would complete me!  I went to my mom  waving the add in hand and said "I want to change my list for Santa. To this! the newest cabbage patch kid! I want her to have blonde hair and blue eyes and..." Mom stops me,  looks at me "well, you can't. Christmas is 2 days away. It's too late, Amber. And Santa couldn't find that gift he wanted to at this time in the season. "In almost a condescending tone I replied "yes he can! Santa will do it!!!"  I remember mom bending down to make eye contact, looking at me very seriously and saying "Amber, do not get your hopes up. you will not see that doll under the tree on Christmas."

But I wasn't accustomed to being turned down. Especially when it came to Christmas gifts. In my heart of hearts I felt like I would wake up and see my little blond haired blue eyed Cabbage Patch Kid, and I would say to mom "but you said..!" and then she would say "well, Santa must have got the message." or something along those lines.

The evening before Christmas I went to bed excited and filled with anticipation over the gift. I knew 'Santa' would come through. I knew it. . So, you can imagine my surprise when I woke up on Christmas morning and  ran like a cheetah toward to tree to find  the troll, a couple of games, and even  the Mickey mouse watch..but  no Cabbage Patch. I continued to digg. and dig. and dig. But there was no use.. My heart sunk. I cried.

it was a traumatic Christmas for me.
Looking back.. I wonder what could have prevented this. Mom told me that it was not going to be there. It was clear on her part- but  did I have this unwavering faith in the magic of Santa, or the spirit of Christmas? Or was it that I knew that gifts were important enough to my family, that I knew that somehow I'd get THAT gift because I had always got THAT gift? I think it was probably a healthy combination of the two. especially being that gifts were a HUGE part of the Christmas family tradition.

Now that we have a mini-Mac (AKA the Aveman, ave, or Avery) traditions for me are all the more important. I love the idea of carving pumpkins, going to a pumpkin patch, dressing up for trunk or treat, decorating the tree, and yes, even giving gifts etc. And at the same time, I want so badly to instill traditions that are going to point him and his little heart in the right direction with the right mindset. I want Christmas for us to be a time to focus on Jesus, our family, and by family yes, we can give a gift or two. But not to the point that it's all consuming!   I am really stuggling with the fact that the HUGE amount of what Christmas brings is stress financially because of the all ever popular idea that Christmas is about the gifts! With Christmas being right around the corner, I can't help but wonder what we as a family need to do to deter from our society's version of Christmas traditions where we are pressured into beliving that all it's about is the gifts, and flashiness of it all.

One of my favorite lines out of Dr. Seuss's "How the Grinch stole Christmas" is:

" It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages boxes, or bags!
 And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

Maybe Christmas perhaps, DOES mean more.  Although it's October and still a few months away, lets go outside the box and focus on Christmas in a different light this year. Thats my goal. What's yours?


Monday, October 18, 2010

Ohio Benefit Bank

Ok. this is going to be a super boring blog to some, but it's something that I am excited about, so I will still share.
Here at the church we have realized recently that there is a huge need in our county and surrounding counties. We have a food pantry and clothing pantry that has grew to one of the largest benevolence helps to the families in this county... So needless to say, being the 'phone-answerer' here at the church I am talking to these families on a daily basis. Lately it's been really encouraging to see some of them make decisions to accept the Lord into their lives....
But the one thing that I  and many others have realized is that the churches funds can only be stretched so far in the benevolence ministry. And there really is nothing more difficult for me than to tell a family "sorry, we don't have the means to help you."
So with all that said, it seems there was a real God-send this past week.
Our church was invited to 'The Ohio Benefit's Bank" luncheon. When we received the invite, honestly, I had no clue what it was. It advertised this "benefit bank" as a system that would offer us FREE online access to their benevolence database. So, Pastor Bennett was interested enough to take me, and one other person to the luncheon.
When we got there what we found out was pretty cool. Basically the program was offering to train counselors (at no expense to us) to help families in their time of need by assisting them in receiving funds (49 billion unclaimed funds)  in programs like :
-Food Assistance Program
-Health Care Program
-Ohio's best RX (prescription program)
-The Golden Buckeye Program (senior citizens)
-Extra Help for Medicare Part D (low income)
- The Home Energy Assistance Program (HEAP) (electric help)
- Child care assistance
-USDA Child Nutrition Programs (free reduced price lunch for low income families)
-FAFSA applications
- tax preparation (for free)
Everyday I talk to families who have no idea where to turn for help when they find themselves in desperate situations. Whether they found themselves in a financially detrimental place recently or over the course of a time. Many don't even know that these programs exist! And for the few that do know about them, many times they find themselves in 50 different offices filling out 50 different applications...
So in short- our church is agreeing to be a "OBB site" where families can come to a "one stop shop" and be able to fill out all of these applications (as long as they meet the government  requirements).
To me, this is exciting. It's the church actually being the hands and feet of Christ- which is awesome. Instead of giving a pat on that back saying a prayer (although I am not saying that prayer is not a powerful tool) we are actually helping feed and clothe the homeless and the financially destitute in tangible ways! 
So next week, me and two other ladies are going to venture to Cincinnati and take our first counselor training course for the OBB! Very exciting! I can't wait to see how God uses this ministry
P.S If you think that YOU or your church/ business could also be a part of this, check out the website for more info:


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Dear 11-year old me,

Dear 11-year-old Amber,

First off, your going to live to 26 (at least). You know how you think that 26 is old? Well, it's really not. And do you know how you think that you will be a cool meteorologist that lives in New York and has a huge studio apartment?. Well, you aren't, don't and don't. Good news, Mom and Dad are still alive and kicking. But Pepper 'ran away'.. At least that's what mom and dad still says.

You actually live through those really awkward years.. You know, the ones that your in right now? Yeah. You get through it in one piece. Oh, and can you do me a favor and wear something other than that blue flannel next year. seriously. I know the 'grunge' thing will be the style, but you can still have variety. But in any case, you make it through these years, so don't worry.

FYI- when you are 26, the phrases "Cha Ching" and "What's the dealllio?" aren't cool anymore. Oh, and Reba McIntyre never writes you back. So you can quit checking the mail.

Anyway , couple things-you worry too much- geez, just calm down. You freak out over everything. Every little B+. It's OK!! You can have a few of those (trust me, you will). You will be an extreme spaz if you don't lighten up! Don't stress about missing your first dance either. I know it sucks, but you need to go to that game for your sister. Speaking of siblings, you are hard on them. If you don't quit taunting them, they will haunt you with the torture stories that you put them through. No more making Ashley eat grass, Anetta eat mud, or making Alysia believe that you are possessed.. wait- I mean, Don't make Alysia believe that you are possessed in a couple years. Just don't do it! It will mess with her head for years to come! And quit making Nick hit himself with his own fists. Believe it or not, Nick actually gets to be bigger than you. And he is stronger than you. So just stop.

Do I sound like mom? Well, i probably do because you are a mom at 26. Yes, you have a little boy. His name is Avery- like papaw. He's preetty wonderful.. Speaking of grandpa, enjoy your time with him. You will look back and want that time with him. Just sit with him. Let him watch 'The Price is Right' without crying over your shows. When he is sitting out back fiddling with his knife, go out and sit with him without asking for a "my little pony".

Enjoy this time. I know you sit at home dreaming of your future, but don't wish it away. Don't. Your future will come. Your time with family and friends now are important.

Oh- and you have a nephew, Ace, and a future niece Addisyn.You have a pretty awesome husband. You know how you would write in your journal at night about the perfect guy? You would dream and think of all of the amazing movie-like moments that you will have. Well... He doesn't exist.


He really does. Actually, you will wonder sometimes how lucky you are to have someone that you had assumed was 'out of your league.' But he loves you and you love him. I won't tell you his name- you will figure that out with time. But do me a favor, don't settle. Don't date just anyone. All of your friends are going to date and have heartache, and you will too. But just know, your time will come..

By the way- your a little young for "the talk", but just remember that true love waits. Don't do what your friends do. You will be happy that you waited.

You will like going to church. At 11 years old, I know you find that hard to believe. Especially since grandma and grandpa have to drag you out of bed on Sunday morning. But you will actually be thankful for those Sunday mornings with grandma and papaw. Trust me on this one. Actually when you read this at the ripe age of 11 you have no clue what big choice you will make in a 2 and a half years. But it's a pretty cool one. It will change your life. Your dreams. Who you marry. Everything basically. But don't be scared. You won't regret it. 'He' will guide you.. Who's 'He'? Well- you'll find that out.

Oh- and don't expect to have it all figured out after high school, or college, or even at 26. Your still figuring things out, and that's OK! 'He' will guide you. (I know your wondering 'who the heck is 'He', right?) You actually know that there are some big things that are still awaiting at 26. big things. lots of change. and that's great. Everything will come with time- just trust.


26 year-old-Amber


Friday, October 08, 2010

sister wives??

So my newest guitly time sucker is the new show on TLC, called Sister Wives. If you haven't heard about it, it's a reality show that follows the crazy life of a polygamist family. The husband currently has 3 wives and 1 girlfriend. TLC has always been one of my favorite programs so its on frequently, so I was awestruck when I was sitting on my couch half watching one of my favorite shows "19 kids and counting", and half feeding the baby and playing with him when this show started. It's kind of like a train wreck that you want to look away from, but at the same time you have this urge to gawk... so I did.. and wow.

Still a little speechless.

Justin asked me why I was watching it, and I honestly had no good reason other than it was intriguing. It was intriging because I can't imagine as a wife, where you are one of the three or four. As a person who studied counsling once upon a time, I have to wonder what an emotionally drained and jealous world that they live in. And I am also curious how a family with a bizillion kids and 4 wives function... Anyway- thats no real excuse why I wasted my time watching it...

Anyway- the whole show got me to thinking. How awesome would it be to have like 3 other wives in my house?! seriously. I have it all figured out. The other sister wives would work all of the time, at least 60 hours a week, for 7 days a week., and when they were home they would be on cleaning duty, and they would have to be really really ugly..... And they would NEVER I mean never ever touch MY husband or MY baby..ever... or I would pull out a can whooppie..All three would stay in my guest room with bunk beds and could only come out if I gave them permission ..And then I would stay home all day long with Justin and Avery,soaking up sun and taking long vacations, and long walks, and eating fried food, ...???????

wishful thinking? perhaps.

ok. maybe not. I like being a single wife. No siblings needed here. Thanks.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

the healing process

Sorry about being MIA for the past week. Craziness. That's all I can say.

If you haven't heard, Justin was in a work accident where he was badly burned on the entire right side of his body. A pipe blew up with jet fuel in it, and Justin caught the brunt of the flame. This happened this past Thursday about 5:00. That morning before the accident, I happened to forget my phone too.. So when I finally made it home from work around 5:30 I found about 2 million messages on my phone. I called the hospital who would only tell me that "your husband was in an accident at work and was burned. He is awake now and talking." When I asked how severe, or what the details of the situation were they said that they were not permitted to discuss this over the phone. So I was a wreck for the entire hour trip up to the hosptial.

When I finally was able to make it into the burn unit, the burn looked much worse than I had even expected. Justin had a second degree burn that covered his side and the upper half of his chest, toward the bottom of the pants line there was third degree burns. There was also third degree burns underneath his arm and armpit. After seeing the severity of the burns, I was just SO thankful that the Lord was with him. I knew that it could have easily been a worse situation than what it had turned out to be.

Since the accident last week, everything seems to be a blur. I have had little to no sleep with taking care of Avery and Justin. On a lighter note- the sleep deprivation have caused some pretty hilarious stories. Well, actually, before the accident occured the sleep deprivation was already taking a toll on me. Since Avery's teething had went into high gear, he was up all night a couple of nights. One morning when packing my lunch I actually forgot to put meat in my sandwhich. Seriously. Another morning I dropped Avery off at daycare without any bottles. So I ended up having to detour to kroger.

Since everything happened with Justin I have been so tired that my eyes were playing tricks on me. I seriously saw an animal in Avery's room that wasn't there... I freaked out and come to find out it was a basket. Ok, It was around 2am and it was dark. But as clear as day I saw a moving animal. The next night I woke up in the middle of the night and thought that water was running in the kitchen and ran to turn it off and ended up wiping out and gashing my knee.... and it wasn't on. I was in a half dream state... AND then there was a couple days ago when I had to go to CVS to get more meds and seriously past CVS and forget what the heck I was out doing.. When i finally got there, I layed my bank card down and walked out... I am a mess and in need of sleep. Even when Avery was a newborn, I at least had his nap times and day time to catch up... With working full time and taking care of Justin and Avery I am struggling... majorly.

On a praise note, Justin is progressing in the healing process though. He would like to start back to work on light duty on Monday. But we will see when that time comes. We had a grusome Dr. appointment this past monday where they did a scrub to the burns and removed the old tissue. It was probably to most painful thing I have ever ever witnessed. It was painful to watch. But it is just a part of the healing process. Also, some people from the church have been SO amazing. Not only have they kept us in prayer, but we have recieved a dinner every night this week so far. It makes such a difference to have support like that. Not to mention, It makes the load that I have with Justin and Avery a little lighter. And for that I am so thankful. Also, Justin recieved some awesome cards from the Children at the church.. They brought some good laughs going through them. I do not know how a family could get through things like this without the love and support of friends, family, and church family. For that we are so humbled and blessed!!!

If you are one of the friends/ family/ church family that have kept Justin in your prayers- thank you so very much!!!!!!!!!!!


Monday, September 20, 2010

prayers for Ave

What a weekend indeed.

Usually my monday morning posts are about how awesome of a weekend that I had and I go into details. This monday, not so much. So in case you aren't up to speed with Avery, Around the end of July he literally woke up one morning and was having breathing/weezing/hacking coughing issues. At first, like most people would assume I guessed that it was a virus or something that would pass with time. As a couple weeks past, it seemed to progressivly get worse, and more complications piled on top of the breathing issues. He ended up with pink eye, and sinus infection- both of which were treated and eventually passed. But the breathing issues have remained throughout the past couple of months. Which has resulted in many dr. visits over the last couple of months, tons of antibiotics, steroids, allergy meds, etc. All of which have seemed to do nothing to relieve his breathing problems. And on top of it all- he has missed his 6 month shots because it is not normal procedure to give vacinnes when a baby's immune system is low (or has been on steroids and meds.). And it's perfectly ok with me to not give him his vaccinne, but now the daycare is sending letters home asking that if he does not become current on his shot records that I need find other childcare options. Which puts a huge stressor on top of an already stressful situation.

Ok. So now your up to speed prior to this weekend.

So this past weekend, he went in for his 3rd 6th month well baby visit to see if he could get his vacinnes. I did not expect that he would get them especially being that his breathing issues have not got any better. So the dr. checks him out, writes another 6 prescriptions for him (no joke), and then tells me that I need to get his vacinnes/ flu shot now because the risks of not getting them outweigh the risks of getting them, and with all of the issues that he's had- his immune system is really low and an illness as simple as the flu could send him into the hospital... Talk about hard choices as a parent? I unwantingly gave in and let them give him the shots, meanwhile every logical part of me wanted to scoop him up in my arms and run. I accepted that I may not have the knowledge and capabilities and I needed to trust God and these dr's.. So I did.

That evening around midnight i decided to check on him since I hadn't heard a peep out of him the entire evening. Usually there is at least one time that he wakes and wants to be rocked or fed.. So, I felt his little head and it was burning hot.. 102.5. I freaked. (partially because I know this fever was a result of the vaccinees that *I* consented to). After spending the night on the phone with the dr. His fever finally broke and I was able to get a couple hours of sleep in. I took him to the hospital the next day where they ran some x-rays on him and luckily everything came back fine in the x-rays. But that still leaves us unknowing of what it is exactly causing all of this.

I guess it could be allergies and asthma, but his coughing/ breathing problems are not alleviated at all when treated like plain ol allergies or asthma... SO I don't know, but currently thats the only diagnosis that we have, so we are going to do the best we can.

I guess I am posting this for prayer. If you happen to read this, stop right now and pray for Ave. If it is allergies/asthma, pray that we can find the right meds to help him deal with this. Currently the meds he has taken the past couple of months has had little to no effect on him.
If it's something other than allergies/asthma pray for the dr's and that the Lord would give them the wisdom to figure this out. AND, pray for me and justin. Obviously, it's stressful. Especially as first timers. But maybe the correct answer is to seek other medical advice outside of our county. Maybe I need to ask for a referral. I don't know. I hope that whatever needs to happen, happens soon for little guys' sake!~


Friday, September 17, 2010


So I ordered this billy goat outfit for Ave's first halloween. I loved it except for the fact that it's light purple. Oh well! Still the cutest billy goat that I've ever seen!!!


Monday, September 13, 2010

I know you like this...

I've said it many times before, but I will say it again- since having Avery, my views of God have changed dramatically. It seems that every day I am reminded of how much God loves each of us. And not just that, but I can feel a new, deeper love than I ever have before.

But lately, I have been thinking about how I pray. It seems that when I pray, I pray to God as if he has no idea what is going on in my life. I will start off most of my prayers by "Dear, thank you for today and for my family... Soo heres whats going on in my life" and then I will go into detail after detail of every little thing that might be going on. Sometimes I find myself having this false sense of guilt if I forget to prayer about something.

So Yesterday, after making a trip back from portsmouth visiting my parents, Avery just became ultra fussy. He began to yell and scream, and it the midst of his crying spell I sensed that he wanted his blanket, binky, and just to be cuddled. So I swooped him up, grabbed the blanket and binky and sat in his room in the rocker. He instantly calmed down. I sat there looking at him look at me, and thought "isn't it amazing how I could sense his little needs to a detail. He didn't look at me and say 'Mom, I need a good cuddle' but I could feel what he wanted.. Because I know him. I know him better than I know anyone else in the world. I know what his cry for food sounds like. And I know what his cry for a cuddle sounds like. To others, they sounds the same, but to me.. totally different."

It was in that moment that I felt God's presense in almost an ironic tone say to me "I know you like this."

The idea that God knows me like this isn't new. I have known most of my life that God knows me. But as I held my son, and felt him say I know you "like this" my heart was touched because I finally could not only know mentally, but I could feel the type of love that God has for me.

I am realizing, that when I have a heavy burden on my heart I don't need to give him every detail as to what is going on and why I feel like I do. I need to bring Him my heart and attention. He knows the rest. He knows what I need, better than I do. What a blessing it is to know that I don't have to have all of the details figured out?


Thursday, September 09, 2010

ADT, the NON-security System

Have you ever watched one of the ADT commercials. A girl walks in her house when it's dark and rainey outside... She shuts the door, locks it, and turns on the ADT system. And the, BAM theres this crazy dude at the door with a crazy look on his face. He breaks down the door and the alrm goes nuts... And then 2.5 seconds into everything ADT calls and rushes the police over and they save the day... Yeah, pretty convincing right?- NOT.... Ok, so About 9 months ago or so we installed this ADT security system. I did it because A) I was 6 months pregnant and knew that there would be many home alone with a baby nights, B) Justin works night shift (hence A), and C) there were about a half dozen break-ins in the area. FYI: Staying home alone at night watching the nightly news does not help at all.
Anyway- so we installed the system and up until last night I had very little to complain about with them. For thoes who aren't aware of the house projects that are going on at my house let me give you a brief little update. Justin has been doing everything short of screaming and crying over wanting to build this extremely high end built in TV stand in our living room. I have been a little more frugal with the funds, so when he would ask to do projects like that I would look at the bank account and find at least 50 things that we could spend our money on that would be a better investment. In any case, when little Avery became the mobile little boy he is, he because quickly interested in pulling cords and pushing buttons (specially on Xboxs and tvs)..... Which led to me finally giving in to this huge tv stand project because it would in essense get all of the wires and cords and electronic devices off of the floor and out of reach of his sticky fingers.... which then led to the "should we paint the wall the same white color or change it up, questions (which he painted it a green) which then led to us having to paint the other 7 walls, yes 7 walls in the living/dining area.... which led to the "why don't we paint the front door since we have got all this painting gear set and ready for action.... SOOO yeah, needless to say our house looks like a hurd of stampeding cattle just took a swift trip though...
Anyway- back to ADT..... SO, last night we were in painting mode and Justin decides that he wants to remove the security system-monitor-laser-beam-thing to paint around it. As soon as he did this our alarm goes nuts. So i ran over and turned everything off.. I thought for sure that the ADT peeps would be calling me in 2.5 seconds like the commercial, ya know, but nothing happened, so I figured that it must not have set offf the system. I go get ready for bed, take a bath, get out and pack my lunch for the next day... I'd say a good 45min to and hour passes and then I get a call from ADT with this very official person who says " Mrs. MacQuarrie, we see that your alarm has been set off." I then, inform that "no, it's a mistake...yadda yadda" and get off....
After I got off I was like "what the heck?!!" Did they JUST call an hour after the alarm went off??? AND they didn't ask for a password or anything? When we set this whole system up, we had to set a password up so when they called I would say the password and  it would confirm that I was indeed 'Amber MacQuarrie.'... So I could have totally been a serial killer rapist that had us hostage, answer the phone, and be like "it's a mistake!" and all troops are called off!!! man, thats nice... Thats what I am paying 50 bucks a month for people!
Rip OFFF! Time to look into OTHER options!  THANKS ADT!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, September 07, 2010

That happy feeling!

So this weekend, Labor Day weekend was really great. Really needed too. I am sad that it has past so quickly, but we made some good memories, and were still able to be productive. We went to the caramel festival in winchester. Even though Justin and I have lived in the area almost 3 years, I had never made the trip down. Justin along with some others have always said that there really wasn't much it be seen. But, if you know me, I'm a festival type of girl so after 3 years of begging to make time to look at the Carmel festival I finally got my wish.
Most people were right that there wasn't a whole lot of boths or events, but I still loved being there.
We entered Avery into the baby show- which turned out to be fun. And he even placed 2nd in the baby show!  Here are some pictures.
BTW- Today is super awesome too BECAUSE Megan, my awesome friend has finally had her little Makenna!


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Life with a 6 month old

Well i know that blogging hasn't been as often as I wanted, but it seriously seems like if I blink- 2 weeks have past. I keep putting the blog on my to do list, and at the end of the day the only thing i can think to do is wipe all of the boogies, slobber, dried milk and pee off of me and hit the bed like a corpse. lol... But don't get me worng, I absolutly LOVE LOVE LOVE every single minute of it.
I seriously KNOW for a fact that being a full time working mom is THE HARDEST job on the planet, hands down! I have so much respect for all of the mommies out there who work all day to come home to take care of the little ones. But the one thing i do know is that although being a mom can kick your rear sometimes it is THE most fulfilling job I could ever dream of. Avery has brought a love in my life like no other. Avery has changed me! I was talking to Justin the other day, and was trying to explain how Avery has changed me, but the only thing I could say was I feel like my heart can just expode at times. He has made me a big softie!! This new love has helped me see the sacrifical love of Christ in such a new light, and inspired me to seek God passionately.
Anyway- I thought I would give a little Avery update.. Yes! my little boy is already halfway through his first year of life. It is so very bittersweet to me. As he grows and his personality is devloping, it doesn't take much to see that he is definatly going to be a onry little boy.
The other day I walked into the daycare and witnessed him rolling ON TOP of other babies... When I grabbed him- he just laughed as the other boys cried. Then the following week I walked in the daycare to see him laying down on the baby mat with both of his little hands above his head and in his hands were the feet of 2 little boys who happened to by crying..He was yanking on their legs!.. and Avery was laughing. It was a little funny to see the ornry side of him, BUT I know that I will not be laughing once I give him a year or so. ha ha.
Here are some recent milestones:
- Avery can now sit up without ANY assistance from us.
- He can do the army crawl, which is hilarious. He can get to any place in the house that he wants with that little army crawl.
- His favorite thing to babble is "ma ma ma ma" ... which I LOVE of course. Justin seems to think that I taught him that and unfairly didn't say 'da da' enough. But what can I do of he's a momma's boy? ;)
-Teething! He still is a little gumby- but there is 4 obvious teeth all coming in at once, which means my full nights of sleep have been few and far between.
- solid foods have been a new adventure. We acutally started him on solids around 5 1/2 months- so he's becoming a pro. We are trying to make sure that he eats EVERYTHING, even then things that we don't particularly love. I know WAY too many picky babies. So our foods can be anything from avacados to sweet potatoes, to asparagus, to squash, etc. etc. So far we have not found anything that the kid won't eat!


Friday, July 09, 2010


Well I am so glad that Friday is here. Not to say it was a long week. It actually felt like it flew by for me being that the 4th was this past weekend and we all got an extra day. In any case, I so look forward to weekends with Avery and of course Justin too. It just seems that my time with them is so precious to me. Especially seeing how quickly Avery changes from week to week.

Lately I haven't posted a whole lot. And for that, I am sorry. I have had some decisions on my mind and heart that have kinda kept me in a fogged state of mind. I can't start to post without the 'decisions' coming up. So-I thought, what better way to sort through my thoughts than to post them? Although I am not going to go into detail about anything, but what I will ask is that if you read this- pray for me.

I don't mean like "when you are finished and you find the time and IF you think about it-pray for me" "I mean, stop at this very moment and say a quick little prayer."…..

Ok.. are you finished?

The situations are not anything that is completely huge or life altering or anything that is going to hurt me… it's just life being life.. Having adult decisions that every person faces. I just want to make sure that the choices I make today will be ones that I can look back on 5-10 yrs down the road and say "I am glad I did that." With all of the boggled mind lately I have really had to be introspective. One thing that I have realized is that up until this point in my life I really don't know if I had really dealt with the difference between knowing and believing. Like, I know that God has my best interest in heart- it's just, do I believe it wholeheartly? That's so hard to answer honestly! So I am working on believing with my whole heart that God is in control of my life..

I was talking to a friend today about it all, and it just made me think. I remember working on the summer ministry team at CBC and Jim Schroder, the director of the team at that time, was trying to explain the difference between knowing and believing( I am pretty sure that it was Jim).. In any case, the lesson makes a lot of sense to me now.. He took a chair and placed in front of me and he said. "How do you know there is a chair there?" I said "well- I just know it. I can see it. It's there." Then he put a blindfold on me and turned me around and said... Now I want you to fall back in the chair.. Do you believe that the chair is there? I remember being like "I think it's still there." He said "believing takes certain amount of faith and trust. You have to have faith in me that I didn't move it... And you have to trust me enough that you will hit the chair and not the ground if you fall back .......It made sense to me then, but looking back- that little lesson really means more to me now than ever. Because I can look at the situations in my life and be like "oh yeah- I know God's there." But if I am honest-I don't know if the trust/ faith factor is there. If God says- just fall and I will take care of the rest. I struggle with the allowing myself to fall back and lose the control factor..There's always that "what if" moment.

The one thing that I really take comfort in is the fact that I know God knows my heart through and through. He knows every single ounce of me and he knows exactly how I feel and what my desires are. For that- I can rest easier.


Thursday, July 01, 2010

My little squeel monkey

This is Ave trying to communicate through squeels.


Saturday, June 19, 2010

my how time flies!

Well I was cleaning out my computer today on this rainy Saturday morning when I found some of Avery's newborn pictures... *tear*. I should say that I intended for them to be newborn photos, but he was actually about 3 weeks old. Either way, it definatly are very special to me. Yes, he's just 4 months old, but babies change so much from week to week. Although it was just a few short months ago, it seems like ages...

Anyway, I thought I would share them with you.


Wednesday, June 09, 2010

the show must go on

So there I stood.

I found myself in the upstairs room of our high school band class. I could smell the familiar musky smell of the old instruments from the next room. I look down to see myself in a black sequenced dresses that sits perfectly angled to my knees with overly fluffy crenalin popping out of the bottom. I instantly recognize the dress as the dress that I wore in our high school show choir called "The Madrigals".

I am confused.. "Why am I HERE??.

My friend Nicole from high school walks in "there you are! We have been looking for you!"

She was also dressed in the God-awful dress.

"What on earth is going on, I asked.

"We are opening for the show choir competion downstairs," she says.

At this point panick sets in, my hands are sweating, my heart begins racing. "Show choir? What? What are we going to sing? Are we going to dance? We haven't practiced! It's been too long!" I started rambling.

"Don't worry we'll do fine." She then grabs my wrist and leads me dowstairs to the hallway outside of the gymnasium.

There I see nearly all of the alumni (now in their late 20s and 30s) all dressed in their gawdy Madrigal show choir costumes. All of the women were adorned with bright rainbow sequenced dresses, while the men were wearing old school tuxedos with a blue bow tie.

"Am I in Hell?" I thought.

I could hear the crowd of people roaring from the gymnasium.

Still so bewildered I look at Nicole and ask "what are preforming?"

"I need a hero, by bonnie tyler." She says. "And OH yeah, Emily (another girl from high school) can't make it so you have to sing the solo"

"NooOo" I screamed in horror.

How did I get talked into this? I screamed.
Everying will make fun of us! Were a bunch of 30 year olds trying to sing to 'I need a hero' I said in desperation....

Are we going to dance too!??" I asked hoping to find some relief.

"Yeah, can't you remember the moves? Nicole said...

She then breaks down into this Napoleon Dynamite type of dance and looks at me as if I should join in.

"I cant remember it!" I screamed in anger!

At that moment the double doors to the gym open. As the doors open the light is so bright I can see nothing but a white haze, and I hear the crowd roaring. "And here are the Madrigal Alumni!" I hear the speaker say...


I jump up gasping in a cold sweat. I look around to find myself in my bed with justin, my husband, snorring next to me. It was all a dream. A horrible horrible nightmare of a dream. At that moment I thanked the good Lord that it was all a dream and I was not still in high school .

Maybe I should lay off on the mocha fraps from Starbucks from before bed.


Monday, June 07, 2010

Weekends with Avery

Good Monday Morning! Have you found your cup of coffee yet? I have for sure!

Had a good weekend which consisted of a whole lot of nothing. Which was wonderful. Unfortunatly, Justin had to work all weekend, even Sunday so me and Avery had an action packed weekend to ourselves. I love weekends with Avery! He is just so darn fun. He is starting to babble and go "mmmmmmmmm ahh" I keep telling Justin that he's trying to say Mom, but I know a 4 month old won't be doing that for awhile. Mostly, i just like to say it to get under his skin. haha. Avery is a momma's boy!

We spent the day Saturday inside the house. Poor little Avery has had that virus that had caused us to go back and forth to the dr. 3 times last week. He was miserable last Wednesday. I mean, I thought we were going to have to run him to the emergency room. So Thursday morning I brought him in for the 3rd time. I am sure that the Dr. thinks that I am one of thoes overly fussy first time mom's. But I just can't stand him not being able to breath normally. In any case, I am glad that I did take him as we found out that the little guy probably has developed Asthma and the virus was irritating the asthma causing breathing/ weezing problems. So we ended up walking out of the dr. that day with a nebulizer (breathing machine) to take home. After giving him just a few short treatments, his breathing significantly improved and the little guy was finally able to lay down and take a nap longer than a 20 minutes! I was SO relieved.

All of this commotion with Avery's breathing solidified something to me... We as parents and people really need to be our own advocates for our health. Sure I could have trusted the first Dr. and not went the 2nd or 3rd time. But I am sure that we would be in no better place today, 2 weeks after the initial start of the illness, with his breathing. I think, in many cases we put so much trust in our dr.'s opinions and try to overlook any hunches that we may feel. I knew that the initial medication was not working for Avery! I guess a mother's instict should not be overlooked! I am just so glad that we found the cause of the problem.

On Sunday afternoon Avery was feeling so good that I decided to take him outside on the back lawn and relax. It was a nice warm day with a cool breeze. It was perfect. I took some pictures. As you can see, I edited some of them too.

ALSO, to add to the good weekend, I found out this morning that I won Max Lucado's children's book "Tallest of Smalls"! I won! I never win anything and I won!!! lol... You woud have thought that I won the lottery or something... But just the sheer shock that I won something was pretty cool. See, the other day I was reading a new blog favorite 'The Mom Creative' and she was giving away 5 of these Children's books! All that the readers had to do was post their favorite children's book and your name. Of course I did this fully expecting to never hear another word about it. And then this morning I was pleasantly surprised to find the winner email in my inbox! How awesome! For thoes of you that know me well, know that I have been collecting children's books since before Avery was even a glimpse of a possibility. I have always loved the parable aspect of Children's books. Since Avery has been born, I started an amazon list with some children's books that I wanted to buy, and Max Lucado's "Tallest of Smalls" was on the top. Our church just finished the fearless series so I was just so intrigued- plus, who doesn't love Max Lucado!?

Anyway- that sums up my weekend... How about yours?


Wednesday, June 02, 2010


Well it's Wednesday, but it totally feels like Monday. I'm tired, exhausted, and ready for a nap. You would think having Sat.- Tuesday off that I would feel refreshed and ready to go. Unfortunatly, my little guy ended up with a hacking cough on Friday after work.. So Saturday consisted of a trip to Urgent Care for his hack, and by Saturday evening he had a hack, runny nose, fever, and a bad temper. So I was on the phone with the prediatrician all Sat.-Sun. Things haven't really let up for the little guy either. Last night he woke with a low grade fever and threw up. I rocked him back to sleep, but it definatly made for one sleepless night. This morning he still has a low grade fever, so it was super hard for me to drop him off at his mamaw's house and leave him so I could get caught up on work. ay yiyiyyiyiyi... Poor little guy!


Monday, May 24, 2010

Co Sleeping??

Of course as new parents I want so badly to make the right choices and not to start bad habits with the little one. My current adventure in parenting with Avery has been the dreaded night time routine. .I will never forget that first week home. Oh the horror of trying to get a newborn to sleep. And when after hours had passed and he would finally get to sleep it seemed he gave me a good hour to sleep before he was screaming at the top of his little lungs again. This is when we decided that the only way to get him to sleep would be to set up the pack and play inside our bedroom..

With this arrangement I could easily get  him at night- feed him- and put him back without having to make my way across the house, wake myself up and spend another 20 minutes getting back to sleep. It worked pretty well at first! At least until the dreaded night that he wanted no part of that pack-n-play. As a matter of a fact, he wanted no part of the crib either! He just wanted no part in being away from me. It didn't matter how long I waited, an hour an hour and a half? He would still be crying... When I'd pick him up he'd stop and slowly drift off again. I'd again try to tiptoe my way back to the pack-n-play, and slowly lay him down only to hear him wail at the top of his little lungs again. It was a vicious cycle. After a solid week of no sleep- I did it. I did it out of utter tiredness and frustration. I took him to bed with me and layed him beside me.Now let me just say, growing up there are about a million things that I hear that are voodoo acts of parenting that are forbidden....That I swore I would never deal with.Letting the little one in the bed was probably number 1. That night was the night that I found a good 7 hours of sleep. Now- I know that was bedtime NO NO rule number 1 ! And I broke it!! Since then, it has been an uphill battle. Who would have knew that a 15 week old could be set in their ways. lol

I will say this though- we have made leaps and bounds in progress. We are now on a pretty routine schedule where we put him in bed around 9 (we are still working the time out- but this is as early as we have got him so far) in his own room inside the crib.. And then usually around 4am he is ready for a feeding. It's around this time that he will refuse to sleep in the crib or pack-n-play. Not sure why... But Avery usually ends up in our bed at 4:30am and stays there until I or Justin gets up for work at 6.....Given we have had a couple of thoes freak nights that he sleeps until 6am or later but those are few and far between.

 I know, this is probably a terrible confession. So lately I have been researching a remedy for this 4am family bed scenario, and have been pretty astonished with some research out there claiming that it's psychologically better to allow your little one to sleep next to you! How crazy is that?  Dr. Sears article claims that although putting your baby in a room and letting them cry is a way to get them to find some independence from you, it actually causes more harm psychologically. He seems to think babies will always sleep better, thrive better, and it reduces the risk of SIDS when sleeping close to a parent.

KIR states that "American studies show children who sleep with their parents as a baby  are more independent than their peers. They perform better in school, having higher self-esteem and fewer health problems. After all, who is more likely to be well adjusted-the child who learns that his needs will be met or the one who is left alone for long periods of time? Dr. McKenna suggest that it is confusing for a baby who receives cuddles during the day, while also being taught that the same behaviour is inappropriate at night"

Now, I am in no way saying that I going to plop Avery right in between Justin and I at night- that just won't work for us. But does it open my mind up to the 4am laying with mom and dad time? I don't know.

 All I know is that the parenting adventure can't come from one book or opinion. It is what it is- an adventure that is as different as one child is different from another.

 I have to soley rely on God and pray that I do right by his standard- even on these little things like bedtime.


Weekend, where did you go??

What?! It's Monday already! Why do weekends go so quickly? Seriously! For me, I end up cramming about one million things into a weekend which makes it go by before it had even begun. But it was great and I wish I could have more weekends like it.

This weekend we started off on Friday night with some friends, Kyle and Kim. We had big plans to grill out some shish kabobs and watch movies. What we didn't factor into the equasion was the tornandos that touched down about 10 minutes down the road, so it was quite an experience to watch the guys standing out on the back porch tying to grill in the hail/wind/thunder/lightning storm... But we ended up with some pretty tasty kabobs and baked potatoes despite the tornado..haha.

The next day I ended up venturing to Jeffersonville Outlet Mall for some girl time. I met up with Leigh, Amy and Jessika. It was espically nice to see everyone with Jess being down from her home in Maryland. We got to hang out there and spend the afternoon together and then had to part ways. Here are some pictures that I stole from Leigh from the mall trip. :)

We then drove down to Portsmouth for my brother's graduation on Sunday. It was good times! Always great to see family and enjoy being together, but I am ALWAY exhausted after a crazy weekend like that... ay yiyiyiy


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tired Wednesday!

It's Wednesday and I am soooo motivation-less after a long night with the little man. I probably made it to bed around 12am. Woke at 12:30 for a feeding, then at 3am for a feeding, and then at 5am for a feeding, and then had to rise at 6am for work-- and now I am at work trying to function on caffeinee. It's a new, very different world in which I lived a few short months ago. The world of 8 hours of sleep, and sleeping in until 7am ( i am at work at 8), making a random shopping trip without having to pack a huge bag of just-in-case-this-happens things, BUT I would not change it for a second. I was told by some mom's before having Avery that these late nights will be gone before I know it, and I would be wishing them back, so I am trying to really enjoy the moments of this stage of Avery's life. Yes- even the 3am feedings when it's just me and the little guy. I do look forward to being able to interact with him verbally, and seeing him turn into a little boy with his own corky personality, but it still makes me sad to think that he will one day not want to be cuddled and rocked to sleep, that he may not want to sit and coo at his momma. It seems like it was just a few short days ago that he came home from the hospital and even though he is only three months, he is already a new baby! I am trying my very best to enjoy these times with him and cherish them as much as possible.

I offically started a new hobby yesterday. I am beginning my journey with scrapbooking a baby book for Avery! I can't tell you how long I have wanted to pick up a hobby, but scrapbooking can be intimidating with how expensive it is! Especially if you have nothing to start with! Luckily, for my baby shower I recieved a "starter kit" with a really nice leather scrapbook so I thought I would give it a shot! It's already VERY addictive to me!


Friday, May 14, 2010

Picture Day

Yesterday was picture day for Avery. He hit his 3 month milestone which is bitter sweet for me. I never thought that I'd be the mom that takes their baby to get pictures every 3 months, but I definatly am. Especially for this first year.( I will have to post some of his newborn pics on here tonight.) He is changing daily and I feel like if I blink too much I am going to miss something. I guess this is my way of documenting this time of him being so small and perfect.

Anyway- here are some pictures from yesterday. It was so hard to choose from all of them that ended up just buying the copyright to the whole session so I could use them however I'd like.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My smiley boy

Sorry the video is still sideways! I am still learning all of the features of the camera..!


Monday, May 10, 2010

Shame on me!

Shame shame shame on me!! I post every single week of my pregnancy, and share all the new exciting details of the week and then BAM- I'm out like a light! Nobody knows what happens. Is there a little Avery that exsists? How much did he weigh? How was the birth?! I know! It must have been killing everyone to not know  :)
Well, let me just say- yes, there is a little Avery Grant MacQuarrie. He is my cute blonde-ish red headed blue eyed sweetheart that I have kept all to myself for the past 3 months. I always try to look at life unbiasly- but this little guy IS THE cutest-sweetest-loving- happy little guy EVER.. And I am not bias or anything.
Anyway- let me back up three months ago yesterday. February 9th, 2010. This is how my day went:
I had been a miserable wreck for that entire week prior and was praying for an early arrival of baby Avery-Grant. February 6th, 7th, and 8th had came and gone without even the slightest inclination that a baby was coming soon. February 8th was no different. I went to work, came home, made some homemade chicken and noodles and went to bed expecting to get up for work the next day and do it all over again.
 2:00am: I woke up feeling a little 'rumbly' in my stomach. It wasn't pain at all- just slightly uncomfortable and I felt like the baby was laying on a nerve because my back was hurting too. I got up and decided to try to sleep on the couch.
3:00am- I woke for a second time feeling slightly more crampy, went to the bathroom to find (sorry if TMI) a large amount of blood. At this point I was alarmed. I wasn't feeling pain at all to the point that I thought I was in labor, so to see this was disheartening.. But despite the blood- I decided to go back and lay on the couch to see if this is the onset of labor.
3:30am- The pain in my back seems to progress pretty rapidly. To the point I get out a pen and paper and start writing down the time of the sharp bolts of pain to see if there is a pattern going on. Surely enough, there is. They are coming consistantly at 5 minutes apart without a second wavering.  At this point- I know that 'it's time'! I run to the bedroom where Justin is sleeping and shake him to death "IT'S TIME!!" He jumps up out of bed and grabs his phone. I pick it up and call the hospital. I begin to explain to the nurse everything that had happened and that the contractions are coming consistantly 5 minutes apart. I could tell that the nurse was taking everything I said in stride. "Honey, why don't you get a glass of water and try to go back to sleep. Most first time mom's have false labor. If you still feel the pain in an hour- give us a call back."
Uhhhhg Yeah right!.. I thought. But I did hang up and get a glass of water. And tried to wait it out. I think Justin partially thought it was false labor as well because I wasn't necessarily screaming bloody murder or anything. But I honestly was just trying to focus my way through the pain- so I was very silent and still. If Justin even tried to talk to me during a contraction I would say"SHHHH"... In any case - the hour flew by and my contractions sped up.
4:30- I picked up the phone and made the second call to the dr's office...After trying to hold a conversation with the dr. while having a contraction I handed the phone off to justin- it was jsut too painful to talk through. He grabs the phone and is silent for a moment "Oh okay,"  he says poliely and hangs up.....
What did they say???? I snapped.
Wait another hour and see if they are still bad he replied.
At this point I could have bit off someone's head. The Dr. was not on my good side- but I sucked it up and started the timer for 1 hour. About this time I had an intense shift in pain, and I became really nauseous. I ran to the pantry and grabbed some saltine crackers and began to nibble on them in hopes of calming down the nausea- which seemed to work. I decided that in between contractions- I should go ahead and make sure all of the loose ends are tied up and bags are completely packed. At this point Justin is just starting his packing.
5:30- I handed the phone to justin and told him "We are leaving no matter what they say at this point." He calls them and lets them know that we are going to leave. NOW. I grab the keys and get in the car...
Justin is running around the house. Do you want snacks? Reading material? what about some music? he said.
I could feel the anger rising up inside... Shush up and get in the car NOW...
I ran to the car and got in... Leaving justin inside running from room to room picking up random things (because he didn't pack anything up until it was time to go).
5:40- He finally gets in the car. Oh- and it's snowing a stinking blizzard outside and the 5 minute drive to the hospital felt like 2 hours because the roades were covered in ice.
5:50- We walk in the hospital and the receptionist meets me at the door. Can you please step over here and answer some questions? She then proceeds to ask a hundred questions about insurance and everything else. I can't even remember it all, I was in so much pain. She points us to maternity and off we go.
6:00- I am finally in the maternity ward. I make it to the front desk receptionist she asks me a couple more questions and then hands me a gown and asks that I pee in a cup... At this moment, I again had another intense surge of pain that made me stomach turn nausous again. I make ithalfway to the bathroom and end up throwing up all over myself (sorry if TMI)..lol... but it was definatly a sight.
6:20- After getting cleaned up and going to the restroom the nurse finally takes me back to examine me.. Her mouth drops open. 8! Your 8 centimeters, are almost ready to push!
My mouth nearly hit the floor. What???
7:00am- I am officially admitted. There is a little quarrel among the nurses if I can have any pain medications and it was decided to go ahead and give me a shot to take the edge off  (not the epidural like I had originally planned on getting.) 
The shot helped some. Enough for me to relax, but definatly didn't leave me painfree. This is when we finally got to call and text people and let them know that we were in the hospital and I was 8 cm. dialated. My mother was in disbelief. How are you 8 cm dialated and jsut getting to hospital???  haha..
8:00am- I am checked to see how far along and I was 9 1/2, but the head was not coming down far enough.
So from 8-10:00am it was a waiting game to see if the baby would acutally come down enough to push, and at 10:20am I started pushing. Because Avery was quite a large baby for me, and because his head was still fairly high I pushed for an hour and a half!
At 11:59am Avery Grant is finally born! My mom and dad show up 10 minutes later from their drive in the blizzard!
He weighed in at 8lbs even. He was beautiful!
Since his birth he has grew like a weed. I wish I could record each and every day because it seems like he growns and just learns neww things every day. I could not have imagined motherhood to be any more fulfililng than it is right now. I hope to start my every week posting again to record my little guy's life!


Thursday, February 04, 2010

Had my 39 week appointment this afternoon. And...

I'm 3cm dilated and 80% effaced.

That silence? That is me as my eyes bug out of their sockets and my mouth catching flies.

The OB was surprisingly shocked and said that Avery's head is "very low" and at this point, we are just waiting on him to decide on his birthday. Do you think I could just walk into the hospital and ask for an epidural now?

Before leaving she mentioned that she is on call this weekend should I go into labor, and that she would not anticipate me being pregnant next week. But the thought of it happening so soon is surreal and weird. I mean, we are ready. The nursery is finished, the house is clean, projects are basically completed aside from the many thank you cards that I owe people. We have all the necessary items to take care of a newborn and more. The anticipation is killing me and at the same time- I am trying to savor my last moments as a pre-mom... But I'm still in shock. Utter shock.

So it's a good thing my bags are packed and ready to go..

I hope that my next update is the one we've all been waiting for. Until then, I guess I will wait earnestly and enjoy these last moments being the closest I'll ever be to my baby boy. As uncomfortable as it is to have a baby using my ribs as a chair, I never want to forget the sensation. I don't want to forget any of it. I wish I could bottle it up somehow so I can always be reminded of it. I want to meet him so badly but it is hard to think of letting it go and entering the next phase.

Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do to fulfill his needs? It's all just so new and I know these worries are common at this point. I just want to do right by him and God and give him the life he deserves. For months I've worried so much of this pregnancy away.. Every ach and pain. Now, I want these memories to stay with me and not to ever fade. I want to enjoy it while it lasts.


Wednesday, February 03, 2010

39 weeks!

Today marks the 39th week of this pregnancy and quite possibly the last pregnancy photo! (Hopefully). The next set of photos may be little Avery Grant himself.

Although the thought of having the baby in the next week, or days, or hours seems soo very overwhelming I am mentally preparing myself for what is in store. I don't think anyone can ever feel 100% prepared, but I am trying my very best.

This week was one that had me busy from start to finish. But we have the nursery COMPLETELY finished. No more "in progress" status for the nursery. YAY!

Here are just a few pictures of the nursery:

I have been trying to watch for signs that labor is near- but unfortunatly have had nearly none. My last Dr. appointment didn't spark too much hope of an early delivery either. I was not even 1cm dialated. Of course, the Doc said that it could happen rather fast and to not find myself discouraged, but to me, it seems that baby is in no rush to be out. My sister, Ashley delivered at 38 weeks by being induced. From what I can remember, her only problems were swelling and being extremely uncomfortable at night. I tried to pull that card on my doctor last week who said "the baby will come when he's ready, but don't worry, I won't let you go over 2 weeks past your due date.".... 'GEE, THANKS Doc!' In any case, at least I have most everything done and ready for the baby. Work tasks are complete (no more tax reciepts to mail out!!), nursery is done, my house is in order.. so yeah!

Keep me in your prayers this week! I have a new Doc appointment tomorrow. Hopefully there is some light at the end of the tunnel.~


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

week 38- Two Weeks Notice!

So as of today I am 38 weeks OUT OF 40! The baby is considered full-term at this point! The big D-day is approaching rapidly and it's almost too overwhelming. At this point, I am just trying to take it one step at a time. The more that I think about going into labor, the delivery, the baby coming home, and all of the life changes that are ahead of me I start to freak out a bit. I have always said I was an advocate for change, maybe I need to rethink that. I'd like to think that I am an advocate for change, but in reality I am an old foggy that finds security in the monotony of life... So obviously, the unknown factor of what my life will be like in 2 weeks has caused me some worry. There is no doubt in my mind that there is going to be a "gulp" dramatic change.

Over the last two weeks I started to catch myself in mid-action and ask myself "how will I be able to do this in two weeks?" When I make breakfast on Saturday morning. "Will I be able to do this?" When I rush off to work.. "Will I be able to do THIS?" It's crazy! I know that I need to trust God in this time of transition.

Each day is now one day closer to a new normal..

I have had weekly appointments with the Doc who has gave all good news. The baby is looking like a decent size, and seems to be healthy. One thing that I did not expect was to be subjected to watch birthing videos yesterday at the Doctor's office. Let's just say that these aren't TLC's Baby Story.... They are more like XXX Baby Story... haha.. But seriously, it tramatized me! After I got home and described it to Justin he said that it was cruel and unusual punishment... I agree.

The past couple weeks have been crazy and exhausting too. Justin's momma had a baby shower for us that turned out great and even some family from PA came down, and then our Sunday School class had a surprise shower too! This weekend I am heading down to P-town to have a small informal family gathering/shower for my side of the family too. It's been amazing to see all of the support from family, friends, and church family. I don't think I will be needing to buy diapers/wipes for quite some time- which is awesome!


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

week 36

So I am now a whopping 36 weeks out of 40. I am officially in my 9th month of pregnancy! The bun in this oven is pretty much cooked. The last several weeks have been so hectic and so fast., but I am glad to say that the nursery is usable.. Of course I wanted to do soo much more with it, but when it comes down to the wire we got it functional so I feel good! I will post pics up as soon as we get our digital camera. Turns out during our trip to PA for Christmas we left our digital camera there, which wasn't a big deal until I went to take pictures of the nursery with another digital camera-- and it's broke! So we are waiting to get it in the mail (hopefully before the baby is born!) We have had so many last min. expenses with the baby that I do not want to add another digital camera to the list.. haha.

Being the procrastinators that Justin and I are we finally went and registered at Wal-mart and Target on Sunday (haha).. We are having a baby shower at the church on the 23rd so we thought we better do it now or never.

Had a Dr. appointment on Monday and everything is looking good. The baby is still pretty high but has flipped to the head down position so he's ready to make his enterance. But who knows if this baby will even come by the due date (Feb. 10th.) I am trying to prepare the best I can- but I honestly have no clue what to expect! I've watched about 100 baby story episodes and the only thing that really does is make me more nervous. Justin seems to be pretty calm which is a little errie to me. I am like "do you realize that we are DAYS away from changing our lives FOR-EV-ER!!!!!" lol... I guess it's a good thing that one of us is staying calm.

In the meatime I am keeping busy trying to get as much done at work before the baby comes! The baby could not have chosen a more hectic time to come! With all of the end-of-the-year tax receipts that I have to get together for the church and still train my maternity leave replacement I am a little stressed! Pray that I get everything done and can rest easy before the baby comes!!


  © Free Blogger Templates Blogger Theme II by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP